cats

my sister has kittens. berio and ophelia (those are their names). berio is black with green eyes. his sister, ophelia, is gray with green eyes. i love them. my sister is mad at them because one of them created a foul stench of pee. she says that ernie will kill them with a boot when he finds out. hopefully he doesn't read this blog. what will happen if he does read it? my sister says they will live outside now. i don't want to write this but my sister is the typist. "oh, come on, typist!" i shout. "can we just delete that?" ("can we just untype the part about the peeing?") the door was shut to go to the basement to the litter box and the cats couldn't hold it any longer. poor kittens! how would ernie feel if he couldn't make it to the potty? he would probably go on the floor and we'd have to make him go outside all of the time.

my cat at home, john calvin, goes outside a lot. he is the most precious cat on the whole entire earth. but in the summertime he loves being outside. he's really wild outside. he's striped, kind of like ophelia, but he's old. one time my brother will was letting john calvin outside and our screen door slammed him on the tail. and this giant shriek came out of his mouth. will opened the door to gently see if he was okay and it was just like a little black toupe from his tail on the porch -- it had been cut off! i went upstairs and the cat was under my parents' bed. i couldn't see any part of his tail. i moved something next to him and i saw blood dripping off of his tail, his poor, little, skinny bone tail. my brother ben put him in a towel and brought him to the car and put him in a basket and we took him to the vet. when he came home he had a special little kitty towel and my mom put him down. ben said his tail looked like a rat tail. they had to cut off some of his tail.

"please, delete this!"

ernie squirts them with a water bottle when they come into his studio. the kittens run away. ernie is a mean heartless cat hater. my sister is blind to his evil cat-hating ways.

introducing the family: grandma betty

this is my grandma. it looks like she has lipstick on but she doesn't wear it at all. most of her pictures are kind of weird like this one.

she lives upstairs in my house. she just sits in her chair all day and comes down for lunch, dinner and breakfast. she forgets a lot. sometimes she asks a question like, "why would you want to do that?" to something i say i want to do and it's really hard to answer her.

she has almost all of her teeth. and they are all sweet teeth. she says she doesn't have one sweet tooth at all. but she's crazy about candy and ice cream. if we're going to get ice cream she says, "is your dad gonna get us some sundaes (sounds like sunduhs)? ho! ho! ho!"

she's not very crabby at all.

her family tradition from the house she grew up in was yelling to see who can talk the loudest when everyone is talking at once. she does that at our house, too. i guess she passed the tradition on to us.

i have a little secret i did once -- my great aunt edith, my grandma's sister, was talking on the phone with grandma and i picked up the phone because i wanted to hear what they were saying.
they kept yelling at the same time, over each other. our old phone used to be broken and it had it made a crackling sound so when i put my hand over the mouthpiece so that they couldn't hear me on the phone the thing would crackle and my grandma would say, "i think someone is on the internet." and aunt edith would say, "oh, really? i didn't know that." at the end of the conversation i put my finger in my ear and rubbed it because i almost went deaf hearing their yelling.

my lifetime dream

my lifetime dream is to try to get into show-business. it is. first i will get into a play and then make it to broadway. and someday i hope that there will be some famous producer, you know, from a movie, that will come and will see me and will want me to do a screen test. and then i will be in movies. with famous movie stars like liv tyler



and lindsay lohan.



and what's her name, from the titanic -- kate winslet. leonardo's a lucky dog.



it's too bad marilyn monroe is already dead.



or judy garland -- i'd love to star opposite her. my sister says she had a moustache and i can see it when i watch "the harvey girls."



since my dream will never come true i will just get into plays and that's it. my sister says that i have to learn to pay attention to almost everything to get into plays. i have a hard time paying attention at all. maybe i could pay my sister to let me be in one of her plays. maybe there could be someone that looks just like me who could be my stunt-double or something.